Z. Alexander Brown
Uncaged Red Blend
$8.98
The wine has an unappealingly purple appearance, like a zombified Cheshire cat. I frowned as I inspected the wine. My initial feelings were hesitant, considering owls should always be uncaged – one should not feel superior for what I assumed is a default/general cage-less. Only weirdos and rich people keep majestic birds in cages. Unfortunately, with this wine, looks are not deceiving. I already feel as if I’ve made a huge mistake. Alas… there is no turning back. I’ve already poured the wine. Time to drink up.
Smells like boysenberries. It magically manages to taste worse. Super thick consistency, I consider this to be a fucklegum cloud of congealed jam. The flavors linger, sticking to the back of my teeth. I hate this foul vinegar. This devastating excuse for a wine. Lock it away! Water it down. Set it on fire. A curse upon your blasted owl wine. The elderly may confuse it for sweetened medicine. All I taste is regret, and suspicious notes of owl pellets. Oily mucus and apricot round out the finish. It’s a pinch-your-nose kind of swill. While each sip becomes more “acceptable” as the air hits the wine, I think the acidity may have burnt my taste-buds. The buzz yielded from this wine is a bad kind of haze. Maybe I have become the zombified Cheshire cat, smiling behind rotten teeth.
Just in time for the holidays, I’ll be bringing this one as a white elephant gag gift. Guests always fight over the boozy gifts… so they shall fight, unaware of the unpleasantness that awaits them. Bwahahahahahaha.