Stella Rosa L’Originale Peach 4-Pack

$4.99

Dollar Store Wine

Why, oh why, did I do this to myself again? I’m still haunted by the plastic baubles – the warm, pissy horror that shook me to my core. I almost renounced wine after that experience. I know budget wine isn’t always great. It can be dreadful. Dollar Store wine, however, operates on its own level.

This tiny bottle arrived in a 4-pack of twist offs. I was afraid as soon as I selected the peach variety. They’re meant to be shared, I assume. I would never share them with my friends. I don’t think I’d share this with my enemies, either. Nobody deserves to go through this kind of misery.

I opened the cap and the wine hissed at me. A thousand snakes, screaming at once. A putrid, peach nightmare wafted into my face and I knew I was damned from the start.

It burns. Oh, how it burns. The liquid is a puckering acid vat, searing my gums and tongue. The wine rolls down my throat – a bubbling, volcanic swill – and churns chaotically into my poor stomach. A tangerine mess, aggressively sweet and metallic. My body has become a cauldron of regret. The wine’s texture matches a melted jellybean, squishy and awful. Coated oil slick. A rubbery hell of my own making. If I die of lead poisoning, all shall know this peach monstrosity was my undoing.