Last Minute Shitty Wine Advice for Thanksgiving pt. II – Crisis Help

It’s Thanksgiving dinner. The table is full of beautiful and delicious food. You’re four glasses of wine deep and have already argued with your Uncle Bill about politics. One of your shoes is missing and you want to stuff your face immediately.

Too bad – somebody says, “LET’S GO AROUND THE TABLE AND SAY WHAT WE’RE THANKFUL FOR!” and others nod politely. You do your best not to groan, staring longingly at the meal in front of you. Not only must you wait to eat, but now you have to come up with something. Boooooooo.

This list is a helpful cheat sheet in case you draw a blank.

Things to be Thankful For List:

  1. Wine – Not just the drink in front of you, but wine in general. Thank you to the winemakers, the wine pressers, the grape pickers, the animals that poo and make fertilizer for the trees, the grapes for becoming wine, our ancestors for learning how to make wine, the sommeliers who sound fancy when they pour your wine, Bacchus for getting the Romans drunk, the wine reviewers (and bloggers!) and shelf-stockers, the bottle dusters, and of course our fellow winebibblers.

  2. Time with Friends and Family – Even if this is a lie, nobody will care. Keep it short and sweet. Maybe nod to the host for making the turkey, and jokingly try to cut the thankful rounds short because you’re fucking hungry and didn’t come to dinner to chat.

  3. America – Bonus points for an impromptu Pledge of Allegiance. Nobody can top that, and people will be able to eat. I’m talking hand-over-your-heart, dreamy-eyed and eagle-spirited patriotism.

  4. Your Health – Make sure to sound somber, because others will feel bad about their shallow Thanks list and won’t want to go after you. Pause between words, look solemnly at your plate (or into your wine glass), and you’ll bring the house down.

  5. For Those About to Rock – We salute you? See #3. I’m drunk. Happy Thanksgiving!

Bonus advice – just drop your fork when your turn comes up and hide under the table for a while. If you brought pocket-wine, now is time to drink it. Scurry away with the gravy boat when nobody’s looking, and you can’t lose.

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