Happy post-Halloween-oh-God-how-is-it-November time!!!

I hope everyone had a spooktacular Halloween. I romped around my neighborhood with alcohol and forgot to upload my next wine review. Womp womp.

As a result, I have a few fun things in this blog post. I drank two wines, and have some handy tips/tricks for next year’s Halloween. Without further adieu….

BELATEDLY SPOOKY WINE REVIEWS

Seven Deadly Zins – Zinfandel – 2018
$13.32

Okay, okay, I know the price-point is a bit steeper than my usual Shitty Wine fare. That being said – I am a 31-year old woman. My head and stomach can only take so much acidic bottom-shelf nonsense. I thought the pun was goofy, and almost returned it when I saw they had a “Seven Deadly Cab.” Seven Deadly Cab does not work. Seven Deadly Zins does work.

Anyway, the wine is unremarkable and flat. I didn’t love it and I didn’t hate it. Too jammy, not seductive at all. 2/10, this zin is lying about how deadly and sinful it claims to be. Give it to a friend you don’t like. I drank the whole bottle but I wasn’t happy about it.

Carnivor – Cabernet Sauvignon – 2018
$9

The label says this wine was made for meat, but that is not right. They are completely off-base. It doesn’t pair well with meat at all. An intense smell burned my nostrils, but I wasn’t sure what to expect.

Expectations subverted: This wine tastes like meat. Smokey, tender, butchered meat. A bit flat overall. For how intense the smell is, there isn’t much depth. Brittle aftertaste, like old-people candy mixed with an under-spiced roast. I will say, the flavor improves if the wine is slightly salted. I only know this because I cried into my wine glass that night. Woe is me. Salty tears make make the wine better. Tell your friends.


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Since it’s only approximately 363 days until Halloween, I’d like to leave you with some helpful tips to prepare you for next year. I dropped the ball by not getting these out ahead of time, but now they are out SUPER AHEAD OF TIME AND YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO BE UNPREPARED FOR HALLOWEEN 2022.

How to Have a Wonderfully Shitty Wine Halloween Time! by Brittany Gervais

1. Incorporate the wine into your costume

I recommend being a king or queen, as you can walk around with a goblet of wine barking orders at the peasants around you. It’s surprisingly fun, and nobody can get mad at you. Alternatively, you can be Dionysus and share wine with everyone. Dance around, pour wine into people’s mouths, frolic with woodland creatures. Whatever makes you happy.

2. Find a good hiding spot

If you’re at a party and you bring a bottle of wine, you need to find a good hiding spot. Otherwise, people will think your bottle of wine is community wine. They’ll take it and drink it, leaving you with leftover keg beer and jello shots. That’s never a good time. So, find a place to hide your wine before other people find it first.

3. Invest in a box of wine

For this, you’ll have to carry it around the party all night. In line with tidbit #1, you may want to incorporate this into your costume. Sharing is caring, so I would encourage sharing the box of wine with your friends. If you are party-hopping, it’s a great addition to any evening. I did this on New Year’s Eve 2019 and it worked swimmingly. Except my grandpa died the next day and I got stuck in Michigan for an extra week, but getting drunk on NYE was easy and fun and totally not warped with dreadful, terrible memories and the existential fear that comes with being alive. The hangover was just a bonus.

4. Get a bottle of wine with a twist-off cap

You think you’ll remember your wine key, but you won’t. And nobody at the party will loan you a wine key, because you’ll probably lose it. Just get a twist-off and save your friends the trouble.


5. Have fun

Again, this seems obvious, but people forget to have fun on Halloween. They’re too busy trying to impress people or getting stressed about their costume. Spend time doing what you want – whether that’s watching scary movies, partying with your friends and/or enemies, or taking some kids trick r treating. It’s a spooky time to let loose and be a little weird.