Wine is the perfect Halloween drink. It can be ghastly. It can be romantic! It can be terrifying. In honor of October, I gathered a spooky medley of cheap wine and went to town. I regret nothing… except maybe the Riesling.

Wine #1:

Joseph Handler Riesling, 2020 –

$6.99

Potion bottle blue drew me in to this bottle. It illuminated within my refrigerator like an alien spaceship. I have been hypnotized before, but not like this. It even smells acidic, as if the contents within are dangerous. Tastes like vodka lemonade – perfect for the crappy Halloween party at the frat house. This bottle of wine will inevitably be forgotten in the back of the freezer, only to be found thousands of years in the future by doomed scientists and/or explorers. The sugar bomb Riesling has already bedazzled and shredded my stomach lining. I should have drank this from a plastic cauldron or straight from the bottle. Doom and gloom, courtesy of the wretched Riesling.

_{(Note: My husband mixed it with sparkling water and enjoyed it, so take that however you will. I personally think he’s been Thing’ed or possessed by the sorority girl haunting the bottle of wine.)}

Wine #2:

Old Moon Zinfandel from Old Vine, 2019 –

$5.99

Dark and toasty vibes with a mulled spice smell. Witches use the first wine as a potion ingredient, and drink this wine while they brew said potions. It’s bitter and velvety – it smells better than it tastes, but I could swim in the smells on an oversized cinnamon sticks. I don’t hate it, and the flavors build as the sips continue. I could see myself blindly drinking the entire bottle with reckless abandon. Who needs the earthly realm when the moon reigns above?! Sacrifice a goat. Terrorize the locals. Fly on your broomstick into the red autumn skies. Deceptively complex. For every witch whether you’re brewing love potions or handing out candy on your porch, or being dragged around your neighborhood.

Update/Edit: I ended up obliterating this bottle of wine. 10/10 spooky wine.

Wine #3:

Caretaker Wines, Cabernet 2019 –

$??? (I forgot to write it down, under $10)

I initially had a “mother-knows-best” vibe from this wine. It’s the glass of wine you drink before you get stabbed in your hotel room or garage. The wine that gives you nightmares after you polish off a bottle. An ill wind on the horizon sort of thing. Punchier pour, blood chalice texture, spunky smell but the flavor surprisingly holds back. It’s… not bad at all. A wine that talks tough but is sustainably subtle. Unassuming but rich, like a cottage in the woods. Smokey burrows, lipstick on a glass. She’s not an evil with in a candy house; she’s just living her best life. Is it simply a sassy cab? I’d say so.