Dark Waters

Red Wine (literally)

$5.49 (ish? I tossed my receipt, but got it at Trader Joe’s)

I’m just going to dive right in. The dark waves that is Dark Waves is an unpleasant fountain of pom-pom blastings. A dreary blend of salt and smoke that prickles with a sour-patch flavor. Bursts of rotten asparagus. The smelliest corners of your fridge. It’s too fruity in a bad way. As if Death himself blended a medley barley-wine in his cellar, forgot about it for 30,000 years then brought it to a last-minute party for the dead. Nobody with a pulse should have the sense to drink this. I’m not judging, but good grief I’m disappointed. The label pulls you in – a hypnotic whirlwind of blues and grays and blacks promise untold secrets and buried treasure. I was ready for adventure. Instead there is a pop of acidic vinegar, followed by burnt coffee and dry toast. Hints of Old Spice and nutmeg.

Points for being a twist-off top, so you don’t need to struggle with a corkscrew. That being said, specklings of broken cork may dilute what antacids cannot. The acidic vinegar pop that happens with the first sip is definitely off-putting. If you keep drinking it, you’ll eventually get to the bottom. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. It’s taken me three tries and I’m not even done. I want to be rid of this God-forsaken bottle. I should’ve switched to whiskey when I became an unemployed writer. Instead I am cursed with the bottom-shelf dusty bottles of wretched wine. If I become a pirate, you’ll see me singing from the rafters with this very bottle nestled safely in my arm.