Lazy Bones

Cabernet Franc

$6.99

There is literally a naked woman lounging with her cat on the label.

This wine is the most fantastic shitty wine I’ve ever had. I’m hardly exaggerating. It’s offensively brusk – borderline rude and unapologetically red. It’s got everything you want in a wine. Spunk. A forward chemical-burn beginning that quickly evolves into smooth velvet. Stained teeth. Cigarette smoke. Somebody scoffs at you, swearing in French. It’s a quick finish; the painful first sips soon become a comfortable warmth. Before you know it, the bottle is empty. I’m left wanting more. Needing more.

Existential thoughts plague my skunky little brain. All the choices you’ve made before today were bad. And you should feel bad. But this wine – this wine makes this ugly world glimmer. We’re all ugly and beautiful together, lounging on a water-rock in space. Anyone can be the naked woman lounging with her cat. You just need to uncork this bottle and enjoy the ride. This is the wine you bring to parking lots, wrapped in a paper bag to pass around with your friends. The kind you bring to a basement party so you “don’t get too drunk.” It’s the wine you drink in your yellow-scuzzed bathtub, surrounded by aroma candles while you watch Basic Instinct alone. I’m absolutely mesmerized.

_{P.S. My favorite French swear is merde. It happens to be the only French swear I know and I can’t even pronounce it correctly.}