Ravenswood (Ravens Wood??)
Happy Belated New Year!
Once again, it’s been a minute. It’s also been quite the year. I meant to do a double-feature blog around the holidays, but accidentally drank the wine without writing about it. I’ll have tell you about it later.
But it’s a new year… which means ignoring the past and marching blindly towards the future. I found this bottle of wine at the grocery store, and literally cheered at the price. With all the world’s unhinged chaos, I can still find glimmers of sarcastic joy in the fluorescent aisle-ways that plague our buildings. I was also drawn to the label… are the ravens summoning a dark entity? Is this some sort of twisted raven porn? Am I wrong to jump to conclusions surrounding the ravens? Maybe they’re just hanging out? Or holding hands because it’s windy? My mind is still aflutter with these questions. I’m not sure I’ll ever get the answer. In the immortal words of Madonna, “Life is a mystery.”
Apparently this wine was established in 1976, so you’d think it would learn a few things about taste and texture and overall decency. It certainly packs a punch and leaves an intense purple stain on everything it comes in contact with. Feeling angsty and reflective, I grabbed a solo cup and a bottle opener, and dragged this Edgar-Alan-Poe-inspired monstrosity to the park. Don’t bother being sneaky – if you’re seen drinking this wine, others will know. Your entire mouth will be purple, like a child that has lost control of their wits eating Halloween candy. For future reference, this is not a fantastic park wine. It pairs well with cigarettes and determined scowling.
An offensively bold wine, you’ll find the hangover is angry and cruel. The first glass is the most difficult. It has the personality of three sinister ravens blended into an unapologetic concoction. Allegedly, ravens are assholes and this is no exception. I want to say it’s “beaky,” but am worried it could be misinterpreted. This wine hurts on its way down. Consider sharing it with your enemies. They’ll have to pretend to like it, while you’re evil-laughing in the corner with stained teeth and unabashed joy.
Fun fact: vintner means wine merchant.
Not fun fact: vintner is impossible to pronounce and should be retired as a word.