Love Noir
Pinot Noir
2018

$9.99

My friend told me she likes this wine, which rattled me to my core. Like a bad Tinder date, I don’t really want to know the details ahead of time. I tend to just close my eyes and go with the flow. My goal is to have an unfettered, unbiased experience, especially when I discover a new bottle of wine. I try not to make fun of the wine preemptively, unless the label is obnoxious, or I’m feeling insecure and need to make myself feel better about myself, or I’m crying alone and need a good laugh. Once again, I was intimidated by an aggressively randy label. “Succumb to your urges,” it says. “Ugh, fine,” I responded.*

*(when your wine talks to you, I suggest you say something in return.) 

This wine tastes like an entire box of boozy cherry-filled chocolates, poorly blended and stuffed into a Frankenstein mash. It manages to have a chalky beginning and a cheap, silky finish – kind of like a can of cranberry sauce. Goopy consistency. Nutella on dry, burnt toast with cold, cheap coffee undertones. Could pass as a dessert wine, if you bring a bag of stale Milky Ways and this half-empty bottle to a party that ended an hour ago. “But I thought you liked this wine??” you ask as you’re ushered from your friend’s apartment. “The fuck are you talking about??” they say, pushing you outside into the cold. “Who are you??” 

Anyway, I drank the entire bottle. 10/10.