It’s been a while, again. Time keeps on slipping and spinning and bobbling, and my rampant wine obsession has hardly been curbed. That being said, my last review was in 2016, and that was unacceptably long ago.
In celebration of my delayed resurgence, I opted to do something a little different. Instead of just one or two shitty wines, I opted to drink four shitty wines.
That’s right. I did my very own Shitty Wine Tasting.**
**If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, a wine tasting is where you get to try multiple wines. They usually give you a super tiny sample pour, carefully measured so you can’t get drunk. Multiple tastings = more wine = a pretty cheap way to get drunk. You can see an example of a proper tasting in a previous entry.
After scouring the aisles of local convenience stores, searching high and low for the best of the worst, I believe I found some objectively pungent swill. I hope you enjoy the result. I most certainly did not.
- Pinecroft Pinot Grigio
The label promised bright citrus and honeysuckle, and threatened a refreshing finish. It smells like rubbing alcohol filtered with apple slices – a pungent reminder that fruit is an ingredient in wine. I also forgot that this was a tasting, and accidentally poured myself an obscenely large glass. Hints of lake water stick to the tongue, even after you’ve swallowed. It might take a few tries to get it down all the way.*
This was, by far, the booziest of the four wines. It went down like an angry, biting snake. Don’t bring this into the home of a loved one. They will never forgive you. I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself. It might pair well with ice cubes and rosemary, but I’ve been wrong before.
(*full discloser: I spat this wine back into the glass when I first tasted it.)
- Coastal Estates Merlot
Thank glob for red wine. Even bad red wine is much more tolerable than bad white wine. I only drink shitty white wine for this blog.
I DO IT FOR YOU.
Anyway, this wine is 100% the wine they use at church. I can’t be convinced it’s not. Flashbacks of odd homilies and pale priests overwhelm the texture. It’s got a watery color and a chunky swirl. Tastes of burnt berries and soap. The label has the veneer of elitism, but don’t let that fool you. This is a wine with a good bag and cheap shoes, in the words of Hannibal Lector, but not much else. It pairs well with burnt pizza and haunted dreams.
- Grape & Vine Chardonnay
Simplicity and grandeur is what you get from this flat mess of a chardonnay. The label makes big promises – bountiful flavors, harmony and joy; it’s literally a sidestep away from claiming they provided world peace. Unfortunately, labels lie. I’m not unconvinced most wine labels are created through a randomized word generator. There are so many conflicting adjectives. It’s easy to get bamboozled. Don’t let your wine gaslight you. It does not taste like harmony or joy or world peace. It tastes like toe fuzz. Or, at least, how you’d think toe fuzz tastes. You might need toe fuzz to wash this bile down, for all I know. It might pair delightfully.
- Vendange Cabernet Sauvignon
It would be a disservice to share my review of this wine, without some additional context. Story time!
When I was searching for wine, there was a little old lady that walked down the aisle with a look of determination. She grabbed four mini-boxes of this wine, then went right to the register. I shrugged, and grabbed one for myself. As luck would have it, I ended up standing in line behind her. Once her wine was paid for, the woman swept a frail little arm across the counter and dumped all four boxes into the biggest purse I’ve ever seen, then marched triumphantly out of the store. I’ve never felt more validated. Anyway, the wine isn’t…. great.
The descriptions promise a roasted oak flavor, rich & bold. Again, descriptions are deceptive and cruel. The wine is definitely “roasty” – you’d get the same effect if you put some bark in your mouth and started chewing. The velvet undertones remind me of uncomfortable Christmas dresses I was forced to wear in the 90s, paired with itchy white tights and tight plastic shoes. While it was my favorite of the four, I’d recommend investing in a box of wine for your evening. If your purse is small and you need a drink, this is an effective alternative. Going on a walk or a hike? It might be worth taking along.