Leese-Fitch – Cabernet Sauvignon – California

$9.99

Marked down to $9.99 so I thought it may be slightly-less-shitty-than-normal shitty wine. Classy. Tasteful. Something you’d bring to a housewarming party. Maybe, just once, I will write a happy review? I was searching for a treasure in a garbage pile and thought I was close. Alas, I was wrong. Oh so wrong. I tried to game the system and I lost. Maybe I was drawn to the hyphen – it seemed mature at the time. First name Jan last name Leese-Fitch. Like a divorced lawyer who’s bitter about men and wears a pantsuit to work. I don’t think I could ever wear a pantsuit. Hopefully that will never happen. Thank God my name isn’t Jan.

Tasted like a plastic bag that’s spent too much time in the street. Rolling through the debris. My own Hotel California.

Bonus points for making me feel like a middle-aged woman well out of her prime. I watched Juno and only cried once, which is probably a better gauge of what this wine will do to you.

*DOUBLE BONUS – DISCARDED TWO HEARTED BOTTLE IN THE BACKGROUND AKA BEST BEER EVER WOOOO

(also subtle apologies to women named Jan. I like the name Jan. You have to admit it would be wildly appropriate to have the last name Leese-Fitch. Just saying.)