Happy Memorial Day!

Here’s a shitty wine review. I started to drink this pinot last night, but promptly passed out. So I am revisiting this splendid skunked vino today because I have a corporate tool job that allows me to have today off. Hoorah.

Emma Pearl – 2014 California – Pinot Noir
$4.19

Starts off with a light, boysenberry slam. I feel like the caterpillar from A Bug’s Life because you literally have to slurp this drink down. The wine is thick which makes it difficult to chug. This one’s a sipper, but not in a pleasant way. A musky, red burn finishes it off. Not one to take lightly.

After exploring an initial few slow, painful sips, I decided to read the back of the bottle. Turns out, the makers have instructions for drinking! I’ve been doing it wrong.

Step 1: Uncork (check)
Step 2: Sip (check)
Step 3: Exhale (what the fuck!?!)

It says nothing about swallowing! Instead you lightly fill your mouth and then breathe out as hard as you can. It makes total sense. My throat doesn’t burn afterwards, and the aftertaste doesn’t linger nearly as long. Of course, I’m covered in $4 wine and the pure shame of a lifetime of improperly drinking wine. I’m okay with all of this. I have grown as a person from this experience and obtained irrefutable wisdom.

Thank you, Emma Pearl wine, for opening my eyes.