Shitty Double Feature for 2x the Shitty Wines

Hello fellow wine-o grumpies. Once again, I have dropped the ball. I earnestly look to write two of these a month. It’s not much of a standard – but it’s my standard. And I have failed you, along with myself.

The truth is, after reviewing my income and how much I like to drink (lots).. I switched to vodka. It’s cheap and has fewer calories, and I can be super snobby about snobby drinking a vodka tonic with lemon. That kind of drink sounds professional with a hint of douchebaggery. A girl’s gotta do her thing. March was my vodka/tonic thing.

However – that’s no excuse. I love wine. I love drinking it and being wine drunk and yelling at strangers while being wine drunk. Shitty wine is cheap and wonderful. Shitty wine is part of who I am. Whether it be skunky and intense, or watered down grape piss, shitty wine is everything. A culmination of all the things I love and hate.

So consider me back. Like that one friend from college who goes on a 12-day bender after graduating. Or the other friend from college who moves to Brazil or some shit, then decides to come back. I don’t know. I’m bad with metaphors.

SO. In honor of me, my return, and all things shitty wine… I give you (all of you – wonderful readers and internet randos), not one.. but TWO shitty wine reviews.

That’s right. I’m drunk. It’s wonderfully shitty. I’ve been sipping at both and below are my reviews. Enjoy.


Gaetano D’Aquina – Pinot Grigio – Delle Venezie


Keep in mind, I hate white wine. I absolutely abhor it. The only thing worse than shitty white wine is shitty gin, because gag. (Note – I like gin when it’s not shitty, just like I can stomach white wine when it’s not shitty but it seriously takes a lot for me to pretend enjoying it. Usually it involves smoking copious amounts of cigarettes in a bathroom and complaining about my boyfriend. It’s never pretty. Anyway.) The last time I drank white wine is when I drank those miserable white wine bobbles from the dollar store. The remaining three are still sitting in my cupboard. I’m pretty sure they’re the things making noise when I try to sleep at night. I will forever be haunted by those monstrosities.

Smells boozy with a hint of lemon. Kind of like those lemonade Girl Scout cookies that my coworker shoved at me this year. I am not graceful with my first sip as I have been dreading this moment since grabbing this bottle off the shelf of the grocery store. The label boasts a “full, dry flavor” and a “pleasingly bitter aftertaste.”

It is none of those things. If anything, this wine is watery. I was right about the lemon smell – it definitely carries over when you’re drinking it, but the flavor is anything but full. Or pleasingly. The bitter aftertaste is there, but it’s more of an expired candy warhead. Thank god it’s not sugary. Instead, this is a wine that pairs well with self-loathing and Woody Allen movies. I’m just missing an oversized pair of glasses. It doesn’t help that the liquid almost looks like Mountain Dew. Part of the coloring was appealing, but also terrifying.

The name is snotty enough – you can pretend it’s an expensive bottle because they use foreign words and it almost tastes like shit, but has redeeming qualities. I’ll probably take it to the next party where I don’t know anybody, and pass it off as a $16 bottle just to see if I can. Bwahaha. If anything, this wine has increased my debauchery level and made me prone to messing with strangers. I am okay with this.


On to the next one!


Purple Moon Merlot – Merlot – Purple Moon Winery


This wine smells boozy too! What is wrong with me? Am I that jaded where I can’t smell anything beyond the relatively high alcohol content? Fuck. I don’t even know what I’m about to dive into. I made sure to rinse the glass and I’m drinking from the opposite side, in case there’s any white wine run-off, but it smells just as boozy as the last one! Gah. I should have prepared myself better. I haven’t. I didn’t.

I want to like this wine. The label is purple and mysterious, pretending to be thoughtful. I agree with the product description – “intensely fruit forward.” It’s as if somebody pointed at the wine-maker and told him, “I want an intensely fruit-forward wine” and he went along with it, because otherwise he would be fired.

I can’t tell if they put berries in here, or oranges, or fucking bananas. This purple wine, while certainly purple, is a culmination of all sorts of flavors. I feel like a balloon of purple fruits just exploded in my mouth. Other than grapes – is there another purple fruit? I think my new life goal is to find and try all the purples fruits in the world. I’m left wanting more, but I definitely feel used. Like I said, I want to like this. I also want to hate this. I’ve been left confused. Did I just get dumped? By a $4 bottle? I can’t tell. Maybe I should go back to vodka.

No. Vodka sucks. Vodka tonics suck. Wine = way better.

Anyway. Apologies for the existential drinking crisis. I tried mixing the two together, and it wasn’t nearly as terrible as I thought it would be. Maybe I’ve hit a new boundary when it comes to shitty wine. Maybe all wines should become blends. I’m opening doorways into the palate and beyond.

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